Time Warner Funnies

A comedian recently took out a full page ad in newspapers to bash Time Warner for their appalling customer service. 

Time Warner responded in a pathetic, trying-too-hard kind of way.

What I think is really funny is this line from TW's response:

Missed installs and clumsy customer communications are issues that have plagued us for too long. They’re not unique to us, though — all of our peers and competitors struggle with the same problems, and not just in the United States, either. We have over 47,000 employees servicing 13 million customers. 

Firstly, you sound like an asshole for trying to excuse your company with the old "they do it too!" routine. Secondly, HEY JACKASS *BOING!* Do you think, maybe, perhaps, that having 47,000 employees trying to service 13 MILLION customers might be your base fucking problem right there? Hey, maybe stop trying to step up the bottom line by making each customer service person cover a few hundred customers and instead cut the insane top level bonuses out. You know, the ones where you pat yourselves on the backs for paying the people who do the actual work for your company jack shit while pissing off a huge chunk of your customers and making everyone hate you? But, what do I know? I'm only working on a degree in a business, I don't yet have my masters in fucking everyone over and dying rich but friendless.

Holy Christ, the rapture!

Let me start out by saying that while I believe in God, I despise organized religion. Belief is great. Religion is about controlling people.

Having said that, I think that if you are going to follow a religion, perhaps you should be aware of the basic tenets of your faith. I know, I'm wasting my breath. Christians are one of the most bigoted groups in the world, and they also tend to not believe even their own faith. God is all powerful. Yet they fear Satan may take over. Well, which is it? You either believe God is all powerful, in which case nobody is taking over because ALL POWERFUL means that if Satan looks at him crosseyed ZAP! God snaps his fingers and Satan disappears in a poof of sulfuric ash, or you don't believe it and pray every night that the boogie man won't get you.

Anyway, if you believe in Christianity, God, and the bible, how in the everloving fuck can you believe the world is going to end tomorrow based on same crazy-ass radio DJ's prediction? Let's go to the bible and check it out:
Matthew 24:36 (whichever version you have, it translates to roughly) But of that day and hour knows no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.

OK, so crazy religious nuts, here's your checklist:

1: Is this radio DJ God? - No.
2: Is this radio DJ a man? - Yes.
3: Is he some crazy ass dipshit flying Wacky Motherfucker Airlines? You betcha.

He's not God, he is a man, and he is crazy. Since only the Father (God) knows when the return is, I guess it isn't happening tomorrow.

So there you have it. The only people that are going to meet God tomorrow are the loony-tunes that show up on my front porch claiming the rapture is happening, or the ones that follow claiming the rapture passed them over and so they're going to loot my house. Those people are going to earn themselves a face-full of 00 buckshot, for Jesus!

Top 5 Most Annoying Religions

In no particular order.

1. - Christianity. A million different sects, all with their own rules and beliefs. Most of them incompatible with each other. You don't like black people, or Jews, or gay people, or people that drive Volkswagens? Then there's a Christian sect for you. And they're all right, and you are wrong. And they love to tell you about it. Loudly.

2. - Atheism. The religion that revolves around telling anyone who believes in anything that they are wrong and that life is all a huge coincidence. They believe so strongly in their non-belief that they feel the need to shove their non-belief on to everyone else, thus making them a religion of non-religion.

3. Global Warming Eco-Freaks. The religion of decrying the evils of man and their planet killing technologies. Al Gore is their pope, and you are an enemy of the planet. Never mind that scientific evidence tells us that the Earth warms and cools in cycles and has been doing this for millions of years without mankind's evil. No, it's all because of US and we're all going to be EXTINCT!

4. Islam. - Almost any religion is about controlling people and getting them to act the way that you think is appropriate. Islam is just a lot more open about that, and is in control of a good many governments throughout the world. You know, friendly, happy places like Iran, Sudan, and Indonesia. Combine the countries controlled by Islamic law with the actions of groups like the Taliban and al-Qaeda and you can kind of see why Islam annoys people.

5. Democrats and Republicans. Oh, come on. You know that you are religions. Your followers believe everything you say, and try to convert people from the other side. You both take offerings from your followers, promise to take care of them and lead them on the path, and fleece them like a televangelist with a million dollar gambling debt.

Birthdays

Yeah, don't feel bad if I forget yours. (If I know you. You other people can piss off.) I can't ever remember how old I am unless I take a few seconds to remember my birthday and calculate how old I am from my birth date. Memorize my age? Yeah, I tried that. Unfortunately, while I sleep my subconscious keeps whispering over and over to my slumbering mind "you're 25! You're only 25!" Reality doesn't help much either. You can't be that old, you're still in college and you don't have a job!

Believing in Violence

A man says to his friend, over drinks one day, “I don’t believe in violence.”

His friend calmly sets down his drink and then punches him in the face. “Do you believe in violence now?” he asks.

“No! What the hell was that?”

His friend punches him again. “Now do you believe in violence?”

“No!” The man protests again. “Why do you keep hitting me?”

His friend punches him in the face one more time. “How about now?”

“No, please stop hitting me!”

The friend shrugs and picks his drink back up. “Well, I’ve showed you it exists three times now. If you still don’t believe, that’s just willful ignorance.”

SWG server closings.

I realized I write some of my best stuff in forums.

SOE announced that they would be closing down several Star Wars Galaxies servers in October. One of them is the server I played on, Lowca. Blues News has a nice discussion going on. I had to chime in. (The first part is another poster)

like tens of people suddenly crying out... then silenced on the 15th of the next month. It was fun. Then we asked for content, and they changed systems instead. Then we asked for content, and they gave everyone Jedi. Then we asked for content, and they tried to make it a 3rd person shooter. Then most people gave up and moved on, and SOE has been trying to figure out WTF went wrong. It's like the prequels. We asked for more awesome Star Wars, and Lucas gave us Gungans instead. Then we asked for more awesome Star Wars, and Lucas killed off all the coolest character in the prequels, had Darth Vader build Threepio, and had Natalie Portman fall for a whiney bitch. Then we asked for more awesome Star Wars, and laughed at the end of Revenge when Vader tries his best Charlie Sheen imitation.

Nigerian government demands apology from Sony

STORY


Sony should respond thusly:

Dear Nigeria,

We sorry for portray your country as home for lawlessness and infamous scams. We be happy to pay for advertising portray untruthiness of said portrayal in the amount of $2 Million US dollars. We send check for $4 million, you cash and send back $2 million.

Having a good day!
Sony

Yar, man cave!

Man cave! No women allowed, yar!

No, I don't like orange at all. Why do you ask?

I'd go there!

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Tiffani Thiessen is busy!

Tiffani Thiessen is Busy from Tiffani Thiessen

Nice. For some reason, however, her mannerisms and voice remind me of Amanda Tapping.

The reason you don't bring your luggage to a safari

Roof Luggage in Safari Park - View more free videos

Joke

What's the difference between a prisoner, a prostitute, and an American citizen?

A prisoner gets bent over and fucked.

A prostitute gets bent over, fucked, and gets paid for it.

An American citizen gets bent over, fucked, pays for it, and then pays for other people that got fucked that couldn't afford it.

Flame War - Awesome

Also funny

Definately check out FailBlog.org, some very funny stuff there

Awesome

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Canada geese brought Flight 1549 down, NTSB says

STORY

I knew it! Those damn dirty Canadians, they should pay! Too bad Bush wasn't still president, this would be the perfect excuse to bomb our no-good neighbors from the north. How do you like them apples, eh?

Sea-Kittens

PETA - one of my personal favorite groups of idiots - has started a new campaign to rename fish to "Sea-Kittens". (LINK!) This is supposed to make us barbarians feel bad when we eat them.

I gotta tell you, about the only thing this will accomplish is allowing me to make crude jokes every time my wife serves fish for dinner. "Hey honey, this pussy smells like...oh wait! It is fish!"

And the best part is, PETA thinks this plan is "ingenious".

Yeah, it sure is.

If you're five.

Internet Apologists

I hate it when I am reading a story or comments online and some ...person... tries to use the excuse "The Internet is still new, and people are just figuring out how to do things properly on it" or some similar piece of crap.

People, the Internet IS NOT NEW! It was around before personal computers became big. It was around before a majority of the young people using it today were born.

The World Wide Web - you know, www? - is also NOT NEW. It's been around since the early 90s. Just because people didn't know how to access it or it wasn't popular doesn't mean it's new.
Seriously people, we're approaching 20 years here. If you want to call it new, I guess that means we're all still getting used to the horseless carriage and flight as well? Color TV? Wow, that's brand new!

Scientology

I tried to create a religion once. True story.*

I called it "You're All F-ing Dumbasses, Now Give Me Your Money."

Turns out, someone had already created this religion, but with a catchier name: Scientology.

I'm always one step behind.




* - No, it's not true. Unless you think it is. In that case, send me money.

Dumbass test #5764

A link on CNN.com: IS YOUR HUSBAND GAY? Take this simple survey and find out!

Seriously? Listen, I know that it happens once in a while, but damn. If you are married to a gay man and you don't know it - and I mean truly don't know it, since I know some people are aware but choose to be ignorant - you have bigger issues. Like the fact that my plants probably have higher IQs than you.